I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
