I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
