Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
