Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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