come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
