Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
