im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
