the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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