Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
