At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
