woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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