420 ftw
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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