Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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