Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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