So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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