She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
