I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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