so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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