i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
