u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We were destined to go to rehab together
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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