Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
