Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
