I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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