i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
