Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
