I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
