you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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