I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
