Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
