I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
