When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
