this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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