I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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