Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
