I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
