I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
