Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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