Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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