I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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