we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
