Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
