So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
