I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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