Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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