I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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