I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
