the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
