There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
