Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
