im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My breath smells like gin and sadness
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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