she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
