Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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