Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
