cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
