Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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