either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
